Men's Luncheon

JG: My wife was watching Glee last night and I wanted to die
PHE: OMG I LOVE…glee…I tivo it… (A little embarrassed)
SB: What’s glee?
JG: it’s like singing and dancing and you know glee club?…geeks
SB: hu?
CT: jazz hands, the geeks in glee club
PHE: IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER! There is a lot of singing though. And dancing, why do I like it?
JG: cause you’re a girl
PHE: o ya that’s why, but it funny too!
JG: it’s not funny
PHE: o ya. It’s not funny…
SB: Yo man, what is this? Don’t look right
WAITER: O we just add more chekon
SB: k, just looks sketch…its cool though?
WAITER: Jes
STEVE: alright, better not give me herpes later
SD: herpes of the trakia!!! hahaha
PHE: ya, how would that work?
CT: open up and relax the throat, hahaha
PHE: ohhh…
CT: bro 1 out of 5 girls have herpes, you already got it
JG: that shits just dormant; speaking of VD heard everyone went to the strip club after the sales meeting
CT: ya they closed that place down
JG: why didn’t anyone tell me? I’m married I need to take advantage of those moments as often as possible, ‘aw sorry hun, meeting went long’
CT: o man you missed it, this girl caught a dollar with her butt cheeks!!!
SP: she had a money tail?
CT: ya she held it there forever…
SD: ever since G has been out of town that place has gone bankrupt
HG: You know they throw coins in Canada, dollar coins
PHE: damn, got to be quick
JG: sounds dangerous, taking coins to the face
PHE: there has to be a lot of bruising
SD: phoebe always learns something new when she goes to lunch with the boys, remember bokkakke?
PHE: YAAAA! Glad I googled that…
MA: that shit don’t come cold
DG: or hot
PHE: just warm
CT: poor Phoebe
PHE: I’ve heard worse
SD: ahhhh girl
PHE: so I was on my way to a strip club in vegas right? And I decided to tell the girls a little story, a lesson if you will. My friends a nurse and this guy comes in with a gnar eye infection, some really crusty shit and the doctors couldn’t figure it out, eventually they came back to him and ascertained that he had crabs. OF THE EYE!
BOYS: OHHHHHH!
PHE: yep he went to the strip club and a girl was fling around her thong and one of those little guys broke free and found a new home
JG: Damn
PHE: yep, VD is no joke; beware of the dirty banana hammocks or thongs in your guy’s case.
CT: yo man, might want to put your sun glasses on while eating that chicken
MA: how does that happen?
PHE: trust! It happens; this lady once gave herpes to her child while giving birth!
CT: WHAT!
PHE: ya she had herps and didn’t tell her doctor and when she gave birth the baby came squeezing out of her vurgin and caught the herpes in the eye
JOE: that’s wrong, aren’t they suppose to do a c-section in those cases?
PHE: YA! But she didn’t tell the doctor so SPLAT! Herpes of the eye
CT: she was probably embarrassed
PHE: well sure but the doc is already down there all up in that shit, might as well tell him what ‘s going on
SP: what are we talking about?!?!
PHE: I don’t know? Let’s stop, the whole birthing process grosses me out!
BOYS: yah (somber mood)

THE OC SHORES

THE OC SHORES
Nat: you guys want to go to house of brews
Phe: ok but remember its called house of dudes for a reason
Julie: Let’s do it!!!
Phe: So how was everyone’s day at work?
Julie: get this my co-worker is trying to get pregnant? I was really confused at first and was like, wait you want to have ANOTHER baby, like on purpose?
Nat: Weird
Phe: Like, not on accident?
Julie: Yep
Phe: I think your mistaken Julie, why would someone do that on purpose.
Julie: I hope so…
Phe: You know the other day I was watching this movie on lifetime
Nat: shhh don’t say that so loud?
Phe: Sorry, so anyways it was called the pregnancy pact and this group of girls in high school all made a pact to get pregnant…on purpose

Julie: hahaha! Let’s do it!
Phe: Well babies are the new Chihuahua!!!
Nat: Let’s make a pact!
Julie: No no no! I can’t even joke about it! the birthing process just grosses me out.
Phe: We went too far, let’s stop talking about it. It’s ok Julie…its ok

ASSISTANT

On the way to work this morning I remembered a story about ASSISTANT. She is long gone now but we still talk about her and sometime use her name when someone does something stupid or slutty. i.e. "you did the Sacramento Turtle Neck on the first date!!! o you are such an "ASSISTANT" right now" Anyways so the other day I thought of a story, so here it is.

LYSOL
Co-worker came up to me today and noticed that I have been really using up a lot of the Lysol on my phone receiver. I didn't think anyone would notice but I in fact was using an excessive amount of Lysol on my phone and keyboard. I didn't really want to get into it because its not work appropriate but the night before I had seen an episode of the family guy. It's the one where Meg goes to church that caters to the youth. I am very familiar with these types of churches. At this church they promote abstinence...as most churches do. Now kids its true the safest sex is no sex but ah that means NO SEX!!! Like none...sounds a little to safe to me. Anyways, so Meg and her christian boyfriend find other ways to to ahh "express their desire for each other" The alternative...ear relations. Yikes Bikes!!! Subsequently I immediately thought of how me and ASSISTANT share the same phone. And how its always covered in a thin layer of her foundation, and how her grubby little hands are always all over my stuff and what a slut she is...and various other random germafob thoughts that rushed my brain and made me want squirt purel down my ear. So that why co-worker, that's why...

I thought this old AD for Lysol was a riot and kind of fitting to

love songs on the KOST

Look I am going to admit something embarrassing right now and you know what I don't care if you judge me. Judge me! no seriously you can judge me, no shame in my game. I listen to love songs on the KOST, I think Karen Sharp is amazing at getting losers to express their feelings on air and is a women of extreme discipline to remain serious and not laugh at her callers. There are 2 reason I love KOST. First of all they play all the best love songs, like Pebo Brison, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Inrique Eglasisa, Bonnie Tyler, I mean I can just keep going with all the amazing love song artist that cater to my aweful taste in music. Second, the crazy people that call in and dedicate songs. Now there are 2 types of people, callers who actually get to be on air or emailers who send in their love thoughts and Karen, with her sultry mom voice, would make those words come alive and reach out to the listeners. Speak Karen, i am listening. Some callers are fine but then you get ones where its like. This song goes out to Tod...Tod, Julie just wants you to know that she still love you and even though you said you never wanted to see her again she know its just because you have a fear of committiment. And even though you have a retraining order on her she is still going to hold out for your love, because no one else can love you the way she loves you and no one will. Karen reads that, and she is so straight face about, she always responds with something like; 'wow, Julie we hope everything works out for you and Tod and even though you have that retraining order right now we know love will find away.' Then she plays "i'll be watching you' or some creepy song to really solidify the craziness of the caller. The best though are the ones that get on air. Tonight was the most epic love thought I have ever heard. She didn't even dedicate a song, she was just balling.

KAREN: Hi caller, whats your love thought tonight?
CRAZY: um ya, I just want to dedicate this to my friend heather
KAREN: aww that so nice, what would you like to say to heather tonight?
CRAZY: I just want her to know that i love her and miss her and would really like to hugger her right now(imagine a 5 year wimpering child, you the type that kind of like hicup when the talk because the crying mixes with talking and makes the voice box hicup in a way, then toss in the sniffle here and there, getting a visual?)
KAREN: wow she sounds like a real special friend
CRAZY: ya she is, and she was there for me and i just want her to know that i am there for her and want to send her a hug
KAREN: is she your best friend
CRAZY: Yaaaaa, sniffle sniffle, (BALLING)
KAREN: o wow, sounds like your really miss her
CRAZY: YA! BALLING ( with small sperts of her not breathing and sucking in air and then balling again)
KAREN: O ok well what can we play for heather tonight?
CRAZY: I just want to hug her, i just want to be with her and hold her.
KAREN: ok well we are going play this song for heather and let her know you are sending her a hug
CRAZY: Thaaaaaanks

BOKKAKKE: It’s not just an Asian dish!

Working in the skate industry has taught me a lot! None of that information is useful, it’s mostly information that only whores need to know about. Its kind of sausage fest so to work in this industry you need a sense of humor. Now, I would never say this about myself because it would be conceded and I try to maintain a humble state of being but I’m pretty awesome. Although a lot of people call me and my sister homeschool...cause we were homeschooled...so it make sense, but also because we are not adept to the ways of the world. There are certain manners of subjects that we are not well versed on. Sure we could read and write at a college level by the time we where 9 but what 9 year old wants to talk about Catcher in the Rye?!?! Anyhow, let’s just say Google is something we all value and utilize quite frequently. What I am referring to folks is sexual positions. You know the sexual positions that have names like the Old King Clancy or the Alaskan pipeline or the Emeril Lagasse's. If I were a man I would so do the Emeril Lagasse...BAM!!! If you don’t know what those are Google it, I don’t want to offend the children readers. Well I learned a new one today. We went to sushi and I was glancing over the menu and wanted to try something new. Co-work suggest I try the bokkakke. Which they only offer cold but co-worker said bokkakkee is in fact a hot only item. At first I wasn’t sure what was going on. The men sat there giggling with delight at my ignorance. I knew then something was up. Also when ever a guy makes a reference to naughty things they get the same look on their face that the neighbor boy got when he would dare my bro to eat dog shit or something. Anyways back to me being awesome, the reason I am awesome is because I am so chill in these kinds of situations. At first I am little like “whaaaaat?” and then I am like I’m gunna google that shit on my iphone. I did. Pretty graphic. I did not order the bokkakkee.

THE BEGINNING

I have been stressed since noon, and there is nothing to be stressed about. I mean all I am doing is sitting her thinking about some near catastrophe and a looming fear that at any moment this adverted collision could track me down and crash right into me. So my body tenses up and my head is pounding and the adrenaline is pumping so I feel like I can run a small marathon. All this built up energy and I have nothing to do with it but store it up just in case I need it later. It could be the coffee, or that I drove recklessly in a car that wasn't mine and cost as much as modest home in Nashville. It could be that I haven't had a proper well balanced meal, or maybe that at any moment I can find out that I screwed it all up and all the while I am think, 'wow I am such a great employee'. O the disappointment of finding out your not as great as you think you are. It's like Santa Clause finding out he doesn't exist. My solution to this undo stress... a napkin holder. Thankfully a good Samaritan sitting in the cubical next to me has offered to throw the metal napkin holder at my head with immense force rendering me unconscious. It's good to have reliable and trustworthy co-workers.

LUNCH RUN

Some guy just tried to run me over with his automobile today. I am shocked at his actions, shame on you sir. So I went on a lunch run for my bosses and was walking to my car. I saw this truck heading my way and he slowed down, so I proceeded with caution, as any normal pedestrian would do. He clearly wasn’t slowing down for me, just the speed bump, dick. As soon as he cleared the speed bump his lead foot hit the gas and he raced to my fragile human body. I can only assume he was trying to beat me. HE DIDN’T!!!! He came to a screeching halt just inches from me. If my hand weren’t full of replenishment for the big boys I would have hit his car with my bare hand like they do in New York and scream, Ayyy, I’m walking here!!!! Instead I stopped right in front of his car flaring my arms in the air, screaming absentees and contemplating throwing the coffee order at him. I didn’t though, because then that would mean I would have to go all the way back to Starbucks and get more coffee. Can you believe he had the nerve to be frustrated with me? He was mad at me for being mad at him regarding the whole “I almost ran you over” incident. Not one ounce of remorse, nothing…just a look of ‘I’m in a hurry get out of my way.’ Well I don’t feel like walking now, I feel like having a picnic right here, or re-buckling my shoes…if I had laces I would re-tie them but I wore my green Volcom sandals with the buckle straps so I’ll do that instead, huh! And maybe I re-check the lunch order and make sure they gave me brown rice. Those fuckers always forget and then I get the heat for it later. I eventually moved and went to my car, and screamed curse words at him as he drove by. Had I more time I would have stalled but the bosses get cranky when they don’t have their coffee. Next time I will take the time to smear that spice chick breast bowl with brown rice all over his car. Maybe shove some oriental salad in his radiator. What a dick!!!!

PS: I think my bosses should know I risked life and limb for their lunch today....YOUR WELCOME!!!!

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE

It taste like Starbucks got together as a corporation and figured out a way to steal the magic from the first fall leaf...they harnessed that beautiful part of nature, added non-fat milk (or the dairy substitute of your choice) a dash of cinnamon (whipped cream optional) and put that into a ingeniously designed cup, masterly crafted to blind the common man from the rap of mother nature.

The Day I Discovered That Mascara Runs When You Cry

When I was growing up and hitting that awkward phase that would last me approximately 15 years I remember my dad saying, ‘If you want to go anywhere with your dad be ready, always be ready. What did that mean? I have pants on, I have a shirt on, and sandals take 2 seconds. I was never ready, sometime I was but that was just luck. When I asked my dad what he considered “ready” he said my hair had to be done, I had to have a good outfit on and shoes with socks. I decided to spend most of my time at home. I just didn’t have a clue, I was a tom boy. Ready would mean I would have to wear one of those Laura Ashley dresses my mom forced on me on Sundays and white stockings with those horribly uncomfortable payless shoes that made my feet sweat. Damn poufy sleeves and stockings that never stayed up. My mother wasn’t any better. Always telling me to play with my hair? You can’t just say this to kid, I’m 11…what is that suppose to mean? My mother was terrible at playing with my hair, it was painful. She did have 4 girls so I can understand the lack of patience when it came to doing our hair in the morning. She would take to our hair like pulling weeds in the yard. Not that she ever gardened. She would pull our hair into a tight pony tale till hour eyes where pulled back. We looked Asian. I remember the pain very well; it felt like my skin was going to pull away from my forehead. I remained perfectly still and while she wasn’t looking loosened the vise grip band that ensnared my youthful hair. So the notion of playing with my hair just sounded painful to me. Playing is fun, hair is not. I don’t recall what I did with my hair; I probably just pulled it back into a messy pony tale. I wanted to try though. Makeup seemed fun and mom had loads of it. I would steal my mom’s makeup and run into the bathroom to try it on. I would always take it off before leaving the bathroom but I figured if she ever caught me she would be proud because at least I was trying and would help realize I wasn’t a lesbian. I grew up watching my aunties put on make-up, it was fascinating. They would wake up in the morning looking like a complete mess and in a matter of just a few minutes turn into beautifully painted human beings. There eyes where bigger, lips where redder and there checks where…pointer? I’m not sure they always did that diagonal line on there check bones with red blush that just made there checks seem pointer or something. Anyways I had seen makeup done a hundred times. I was tired of being called a boy and I wanted to become one of those painted beauties. Mascara was the one thing I thought was dangerous; how my aunties did this in the car with one knee on the wheel…I quiver at the thought. My first attempt was a success, kind of. I remember the methodical process and patience I had when applying the mascara. I was gentle and cautious, gliding the mascara on my eyelashes making sure not to get any on my lids or eye balls. Once I was done I looked at my big brown eyes and thought ‘I look glories’. As soon I had finished I heard the faint voice of my father saying he was going to rent movies. I was ready!!! I ran out the bathroom and screamed “I’m ready, I’m ready!!!” My dad looked at me and asked, ‘where are your shoes?” I looked down and looked back up and said, ‘but I’m ready.’ I wasn’t ready, I had no shoe’s on…no ruffle socks, no Reeboks, no candy at the video store. I was devastated; I burst into tears…black streams of liquid started falling down my cheeks. My sisters where freaked out, my father was certainly not going to take me now, my mother was furious. She screamed at me for using her mascara, I wiped the tears from my cheeks to discover a black streaked hand. She scolded me harshly and sent me straight the bathroom to clean my face. I sat on the sink using my tears as make-up remover and telling myself that my mother hated me. All my hard work, all my attempts to be girly where swiftly thwarted with rejection and a verbal lashing. My mother stood outside the bathroom door listening to me cry over the rejection I just experienced. She came in and gave me a hug and said she didn’t hate me, I just wasn’t allowed to use her make up. She wiped off the remainder of the mascara and gave me a few bites of her Hagen Daze vanilla swiss almond ice cream. This was considered a great honor in our home.

ASSISTANT - READER DISCRETION ADVICED

ASSISTANT
So I recently lost my assistant, it’s sad but I must go on. She went back to fashion school or art school or special school. Not sure but I wish her the best of luck. Anyways I still have stories. The other day I was carpooling with a co-worker and Assistant came up in the conversation. He wanted to hear a story and since we had an hour drive I told him about the bend and snap. So here its is:

BEND AND SNAP
Dude is a casual man; he has kind eyes and is cuddly. He's married so I wouldn't "cuddle" with him in a provocative way but he's just that type of person you want to hug. Any who, I feel if I tried to explain that any further it would come of skeezy and I am no skeez, god knows I’ve tried but it just doesn't suit me. Ok, ok...so Dude. Kind, cool guy who wears black sock with his boardshorts and has an epic beard. So one day Dude is outside talking on the phone and Assistant walks out. Ever since Assistant started here she has been out for dick. You can see it in her eyes and also she said "i am out for dick" No she didn't, but she might as well have. So innocent Dude is casually talking on the phone and Assistant has forgotten something in her car. BTW, anytime she goes to her car she either reeks of weed or is super hyper, hmmmm? Suspect. Assistant is walking across the parking lot and notices Dude on the phone pacing on the sidewalk. Assistant seems like the type of person who has seen Legally Blond at least 5 times...in the theater. Dude noticed that she mysteriously dropped her keys. Assistant slowly bends over, conveniently revealing her back side and then ever so gently looks over her should, WHILE BENT OVER, to see if Dude has taken a-liken to her hind. He didn't, and neither did my carpool buddy. His response to the story was amazing. He told me that his dick crawled back inside him. HAHAHAHA, still so funny, to this day. MORAL: be careful men, you might see things in this world that will make your pee pee become introverted and hide back up inside you.

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

Last night on the Real World

NAT: so blah blah and I was like blah fuck blah blah blah...hey are you listening?
PHE: NO!
NAT: cheeesaaaas
PHE: I'm busy can you just give me a few so I can finish up this work
NAT: Ok fine....Oooo what is this?
PHE: (catches Nat in the corner of her eye touching things...slaps her hand without looking) SIT DOWN AND COLOR OR SOMETHING
NAT: Ouch!!! ok ok
JOSE: Hey Hommie!
NAT: Hey Jose, so has Phoebe been in a bad mood today?
JOSE: No, she was in a great mood today
PHE: until you showed up, I am just asking for a few seconds so I can finish this up, but you drank like 3 Monsters today and can't sit still
JOSE & NAT: (talking about stuff, I wasn't paying attention)

NINA: Who is Jose talking to?
PHE: My sister
NINA: Oh
PHE: Ya he found someone new to talk to
NINA: Lords knows I needed a break
PHE: hahaha, she doesn't even know what she got herself into

(conversation still going)
JOSE: So what is up with that, right?
NAT: I don't know bitches be crazy
JOSE: yeah hu? but am I right, does that sound right to you?
NAT: uh hu, yeah I think so
PHE: what are you guys talking about
JOSE: nothing just getting a girls perspective on stuff
PHE: cool, well lets go Nat, see ya Jose

(in the car)
PHE: So what were you at Jose talking about
NAT: um well did you catch any of the conversation?
PHE I heard something about bitches being crazy
NAT: yeah...I don't know he started talking and at first I was like I hear you...but the more words starting coming out of his mouth and I don't know he might maybe have a girlfriend or maybe he is BFF's with Justin Long, I don't know he mentioned him alot.
PHE: hahahah, let's call him

(on the phone with Jose)
PHE: Hey Jose
JOSE: Whats up
PHE: I was trying to get Nat to give me a recap on your convo and ah I think she might have gotten lost
JOSE: Well were did she get confused
PHE: ahh here is what she got, you might maybe have a girlfriend
NAT: AND YOUR BFF'S WITH JUSTIN LONG, I WANT TO MEET HIM
PHE: and something about Justin Long
JOSE: What!!! I was referencing He Just Not That Into You
(convo between Jose and Phe)
PHE: O I totally get that. I will try and explain that to Nat
JOSE: So what are you guys doing tonight?
PHE: Well I want to do a spa night, Nat wants to smoke weed
JOSE: What does Krystal want to do?
PHE: Go to the Olive Garden
JOSE: AHAHAHAHAH, Man I want to be part of you sister crew
PHE: Ya I just don't know if we can fit that all in one night
NAT: MAYBE BED BATH AND BEYOND...I DON"T KNOW IF WE"LL HAVE TIME
JOSE: Ok well good luck with that
PHE: Alright see you Jose

(at home)
KRYS: New Intervention is on tonight!!!
PHE: YES!
NAT: What is it about?
KRYS: Alcoholism and the next one is about twins with anorexia
PHE: Sick we have to watch both
KRYS: Would it be wrong if we had a glass of wine while watching this
PHE: No...I mean its just TV, they can't see us

(1 hour pass)

PHE: wow good for him
***
TV: next on intervention...twin sisters with anorexia
TWIN 1: we do everything together, go on walk together, study together, eat together...or not eat together, I guess that's a problem
TWIN 2: I've always been the chubby one, in high school my twin made up a song called chubby angel, everyone sang it, it eventually caught on so everyone called me chubs, I guess that were it all began
TWIN 1: we are very competitive and I didn't want to be the fat one so we have a set of rules, if I walk five steps she walks five steps, one can't burn more calories then the other
FATHER: (heavy polish accent) I don't know what this anorexia is, they tell me, your daughters have anorexia and I say ok mama will go the market and make kyorkia
***
KRYS: wow...would it be wrong if we had that red velvet cake right now
NAT: would it be wrong if I wanted to eat the claim jumpers widow maker right now? I'm starving
PHE: No, but it would kick the shit of your daily calorie intake
KRYS: Phoebe let me see the laptop after you
PHE: Wait I am updating my facebook status
KRYS: Ok I want to update mine after you....I have to do everything you do.


PS: The twin girls have been in recovery since Feb 2009 and are maintaining a healthy weight.

I can't hear anything
Breath
Clap
Throw it against the wall

Break it down
I'll make myself fall

Push me forward
Let me go
Watch me fly
Crash
I'll crawl

Scream
I tear it all apart
I lean
Against you
I am lost

They ache
My hands
My feet
My voice
Rest
I push against the noise

Wake up
I don't want to fall
These dreams
These visions
I'll fix it all

My eyes
Are red in every corner
I can't talk
I want to start over

My face
Is covered in black ink
I drew it on
I didn't want you to see

O' God
I lost all control
Its caving in
Don't let go

I hold my hands together
I grip them till their red
I can't feel a thing
It's all in my head

I can't see
Say something
I don't want to stand
I walk
Hands scattered
In an unknown land
I need a wall
A table
The floor
A chair
I want to find something
Feel something other then the air

I panic
I don't know when he left me
It's gone
I'm out of excuses
Blame me

I'm guilty
Wicked
Shame leaves me burning

I can't walk
I'm fine
I don't want you to worry
I kept it all
Close your eyes
I want to say I am sorry
I didn't want to tell you
All my made up stories

It's silent
I can't see a thing
I'm paralyzed
I can't forget to breath

Don't hold me
It's still so very raw
I'll wait
I know you're not too far

I'm sorry
Redeem me from it all

Tell me
I'll listen as you speak
Show me
I see you in my dreams
Breathe me
The smoke from what I cause
Lead me
I've stayed for too long
Listen to me
My words have gain new meaning
I love you
Thank you for not leaving

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

THUNDERSTORM RATTLES SOUTH ORANGE COUNTY - 2 people where taken in for heart palpitations and it has been confirmed that lightning struck the ground four times in south Orange County. No deaths at this time but its really to early to tell as rescuers comb through apartments and homes as most people hide under-neithe blankets and beds to take cover from these deadly atmospheric discharges of electricity that can reach in excuses of 54,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and you really can't track these suckers they just strike where ever they want so it COMPLETELY NORMAL FOR SOMEONE TO BE SCARED OF THEM, in fact I believe more people should be a little more fearful of these death rays.

LAST NIGHT ON THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

NAT: What was that?
PHE: I don't know
(flash of blinding light)
PHE: O M G!!!
(thunder)
PHE: AHHHHH I'm going to Krystals room
(tapping on her door)
PHE: Krystal...I think we are having a thunder storm
(flash of light)
KRYS: what....
PHE: (defy's gravity and literally flies into Krystals bed without an invitation)
KRYS: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
PHE: but I'm scared, please
KRYS: you can have this thin sheet, DON'T TOUCH ME!

(lightning and thunder crackle in the midnight sky and rattle our small apartment, all 3 of us look outside our back window to watch as thick bolts of lightning attack the building next to us, there is no point in counting to see how close the storm is, it is pretty much cuddling in the bed with us, its that close)

NAT: I think that was it, I have seen worse in Chicago son
PHE: so your going to stay in the room and die alone?
KRYS: Phoebe its over, sleep in your own bed
PHE: I have legitimate reason to be scared; I was almost struck by lightning as a child
NAT: O ya I remember that, we all ran and left Matthew behind
PHE: yeah and mom is screaming from the house GET YOUR BROTHER
NAT: yeah that was scary
KRYS: ok we will sleep with our door open AGAIN!!! but phoebe you can't keep running to my room I will pepper spray you one day
PHE: its a risk I am willing to take
NAT: I am going write a real world about this
PHE: No that my thing, I'll write it
NAT: ok fine
PHE: but you submissions are always welcomed

(everyone is in bed, silence fills the sky)

NAT: Did you think the world was going to end?
PHE: Yes I woke up and was like did the earth just split open, o man I'm still here must have not made it, but it felt nice that you guys didn't make it either
NAT: wow
(lightning and thunder strikes again)
PHE: AHHH (huddles under her blanket)
NAT: AHAHAHAHA God heard that
PHE: Forgive me Lord

Next Day

JAMES: I'm confused by all this talk of "thunder". I must have slept right through it.
NAT: Phoebe didn't, she is scared of thunder, she thought it was the end of the world, I think she prayed herself to sleep.
JAMES: Why?
NAT: She is weak, Stupid Mexican
JAMES: And now we are going to have one on the Supreme Court, oh wait...never mind she is Puerto Rican
NAT: I hate Puerto Ricans
JAMES: My wife is Puerto Rican
NAT: I was just kidding
(awkward silence)
NAT: no she isn't
JAMES: yes she is
NAT: well actually I like Puerto Ricans but Puerto Ricans hate me

ADRIAN: Morning Phoebe
PHE: (yawning) morning Adrian
ADRIAN: You tired?
PHE: Ya
ADRIAN: Did you go out last night?
PHE: NO! There was a thunderstorm right outside my window, it was scary and was setting off alarms and rattling the windows and stuff
ADRIAN: really, did it keep you up?
PHE: yeah for like an hour, LIKE BIG BOLTS OF LIGHTING ADRIAN!!!...scary
ADRIAN: you’re scared of thunder? (Confused look on his face)
PHE: ya, I ran to my sister’s room (tone: shame)
ADRIAN: O...you know you might not want to tell people that, because I think I have to tell everyone about this
PHE: O ok, sooo facebook at 2am was not smart
ADRIAN: ahh no

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

DUE TO THE NATURE OF THIS PROGRAM VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVICED

Last Night On The Real World

KRYS: should we leave it on this channel? (whisper)
PHE: yeah (whisper and a wink)
KRYS: Hey Nat your show is on
NAT: Which one?
KRYS: The Girl Who Never Grew
PHE and KRYS: hehehehehe
NAT: bitches....

MEGAN: PHOEBE!!! (Screaming in the hallway)
PHE: MEGAN FOLLOW MY VOICE
MEGAN: o my gosh I have been walking all over your apartment complex screaming for you...my phone died

MEGAN: dude does your elevator close at a certain time, I was stuck down there
PHE: Ya I went to look for you but I thought I might have lost you forever
MEGAN: yeah I was waiting down stairs and this kid came up to me and was like HEY!!! all excited cause he ran into lady gaga, I was like BEAT IT KID
KRYS: hahaha
NAT: That guy on TV looks like Fabio
MEGAN: John, Aimee's husband, went as Fabio for Halloween one year
NAT: No way
MEGAN: ya he went around with a bottle of I Can't Believe Its Not Butter and kept spraying it on people
CHARLIE: That's gross
MEGAN: You know Aimee is going to have a baby
NAT: No way!!!
(whispers between Nat and Megan)
NAT: ahhhh gross, don't talk about that stuff
PHE: what are you talking about (whispers between Nat, Megan and Phe)
PHE: Megan that's not cool don't say shit like that
KRYS: What are you guys talking about?
MEGAN: Nothing
PHE: Charlie is really uncomfortable with this stuff so maybe we shouldn't
NAT: no say it
KRYS: Tell me
MEGAN: no no its gross
PHE: No now you have to
MEGAN: Ok well Nat was saying how she was there for Bianca's birth and how gross it was and I was just saying that some people look better down their then others and just want to give her an example of fine looking punany (Megan's legs in the air...don't worry Carl she was wearing shorts)
KRYS: AHHAHAHAHA
CHARLIE: that's not cool
PHE: see
MEGAN: you know you split right open, your basically giving birth to a watermelon
PHE, KRYS, NAT: AHHHHHHHH SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
MEGAN: (smiling) no I wont say it
KRYS: what
MEGAN: no nothing
PHE: come on...
MEGAN: well I saw a picture once of it...and you know who it is
KRYS: Who is it?
PHE: Tell us
MEGAN: Joe Smith’s wife
KRYS, PHE, NAT: UUUUAAHHHHHH
CHARLIE: (shaking his head rocking back and fourth)
KRYS: how did you see something like that?
MEGAN: I use to help out at the house
NAT: O my gosh they live like animals
MEGAN: I know right!!!
PHE: Like pee soaked mattress and shit
MEGAN: totally gross, but yeah one day I was cleaning and I came across it in a draw...and there was Joe grabbing onto her thigh as the baby's head came popping out...and I was like did I just see vagina?...I just saw that....
KRYS: Gross
CHARLIE: stop please
KRYS: I don't know but I wouldn't want Charlie to see that, its traumatizing, he will never look at me the same way and I would never be able to look him in the eye again
NAT: I would just want him to stay back and not look, its so gross
MEGAN: Are you kidding me...I am making Mike watch, I'll grab his head and be like LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU JERK!!!
PHE: Mike can't handle that...he'll be like, "the mira(gagging sounds)cle of life"
NAT: I can see him crying, jumping up and down, spazzing, apologizing profusely....I'm sorry megy, (dry heaving sound) I'm sorry
ALL THE GIRlS: AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
MEGAN: Its so true
CHARLIE: are we done? Can we stop talking about this?
KRYS: sorry poodle

Last night on the real world

( the sound of Frasier on TV)

NAT: G.D. upstairs neighbors...
....
KRYS: EARTHQUAKE!!! GO GO GO...move you crazy beast
CHARLIE: Alright!!!
KRYS: SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

NEIGHBOR: OOOO MY GAAAAAA (shrieking in horror as she runs down the hall)

PHE: hahahaha did you hear that?
NAT: Phoebe and Charles get under the door post
CHARLIE: Its over
PHE: wait wait...did you hear that girl scream...that was awesome, I mean my heart is pounding but that was awesome
KRYS: WE ARE STILL MOVING!!!
PHE: we are just swaying out, you know? the building is just settling down that's all
NAT: no we are still moving
CHARLIE: Phe what are we doing?
PHE: you know? its earthquake proof so its swaying out, just rolling out, that's all
KRYS: AAAAAaaaahHHHHHHH
CHARLIE: I'm going home
KRYS: YOU CAN'T LEAVE
PHE: Ya your the man of the house you have to stay
CHARLIE: WHAT! what am I going to do
PHE: hold up the beams whilst they come crumbling down
KRYS: ya you have to protect us and make sure we escape unscathed, girls make sure you put perfume on before you go to bed so the dogs can smell you
NAT: whaaaat?
KRYS: ya, put alot of perfume on, the search dogs will be able to find you alot faster
PHE: why would you say that? Cause no lie I was scared and was ready to jump off the balcony.
CHARLIE: Ok I am going home, there is like 2 stories above and and 2 beneath and I have military rations at home
PHE: ok go get your rations and come back
NAT: thank god I bought water and ice cream today.
KRYS: O my ga my heart is still racing, I was like, that's not our neighbors...IT AN EARTHQUAKE!, I hope you know I saved your lives
PHE: she was like a mother goose herding her flock to safety
KRYS: My maternal instincts kicked in
CHARLIE: you called me a crazy beast
KRYS: I did? well you just sat there...this is serious Charles, that could have just been the beginning of the big one
PHE: put it on the news
KRYS: What is this? did these DVD just fall over...AHHHHH
PHE: O my gosh structural damage...MY IPOD, there it is

KRYS: Thank goodness no one was hurt...natalie are you ok?
NAT: O the humanity

JAMES: The HORROR and DEVASTATION
PHE: Where not safe here, I am going to stay the night in Keith's RV...these concrete walls will crush us
KRYS: Ok we need an evacuation plan...we run for the table; if things don't settle down we jump off the balcony
PHE: Nat I don't feel like your taking this seriously...krys can we sleep in your room tonight
KRYS: you know the other night I thought we had an earthquake
PHE: I think it was just Charles rolling over on the bed
KRYS, NAT, PHE: AHHHHHH, ahhhhhh giggle giggle
CHARLIE: wait what? what did you just say about me? your laughing at my expense aren't you?
KRYS: Oooo its good to laugh again
PHE: Nat I set out some tennis shoes for me and you, they are sitting by our beds
KRYS: I say we sleep with our doors open, can we agree to this?
PHE: YES!...Natalie?
NAT: yes....
KRYS: I feel like we are always taking care of her, its ok I am leader and phoebe is co leader, Nat you can be the victim
PHE: I know how to make a tourniquet with my shoe laces and a piece of cardboard.
KRYS: ok I think we are good then, good night girls...and I don't say it enough but I love you
PHE: I love you too...Natalie do you have anything to say to us
NAT: I love you guys too.

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

Last night on the real world south coast metro

NAT: The Office is on!!! T.B.S
PHE: Lets do it
KRYS: Your retarded
PHE: Come on, Krys your T, I'll be B and Nat your S
NAT: Ya come on, ready
KRYS: T
PHE: .....B ss
NAT: S
NAT: S is mine don't say S
PHE: Sorry I didn't think you where going to do it, ok ok again
KRYS: T
PHE: ...B ssss
NAT: you did it again
KRYS: YOU CAN’T PAUSE YOU TARD!!!
PHE: that was fun wasn't it? ahhhh fun times

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

KRYS: Who are you texting?
PHE: No one!
KRYS: Ya right!!! I know there is a guy
PHE: I wouldn't know who you are talking about
KRYS: MATT BLANK
PHE: Someone's a facebook stalker
KRYS: I knew it!!!
PHE: You know nothing, just a friend, way to young for me
KRYS: So
PHE: I am not a cougar
KRYS: Well the 2 of you are pretty close
NAT: Bitter party of 1
KRYS: What's that suppose to me?
NAT: your just bitter cause your in a relationship and are not free like us
(high five between PHE and NAT)
PHE: that's why Charles looks at Leon with those longing eyes, it isn't because he's gay it’s because he's FREE

PHE: So Nat Chicago is still sleeping outside for Invisible Children
NAT: Ya Chi Town
KRYS: So you guys coming with me to the luau for lymphoma event?
NAT: ahahahah
PHE: whatever, sorry we are such dogooders
NAT: I had to do 3 charity events just so that I can get you into heaven
PHE: Ya when we get there me and nat will be like, 'she's with us'
NAT: Ya than God will be like, 'hmm ok, but only cause I like your work'
(high five between NAT and PHE)

KRYS: You can't put this on REAL WORLD, I always come out looking bad
NAT: I'm not to sure that's our problem

PHE: What is going on out here, Natalie why are your sleeping on the floor?
KRYS: She's trying to prove a point
NAT: She said I couldn't sleep on the couch so I said fine
PHE: Why can't she sleep on the couch? You know once you leave she'll just get back on the couch
KRYS: And I will come and kick her off!!!
PHE: Well can you just keep it down I am trying to SLEEP!
NAT: O ok, you know she yelled at the baby last night
PHE: She wouldn't shut up...HI HI MONKEY MONKEY BOTTLE BOTTLE...I mean come on! REDUNDANT!!!!
KRYS: wow
NAT: you shouldn't have kids
PHE: JUST KEEP IT DOWN

4/3
CARL: Remember when McDonalds sold 39 cent cheeseburgers
PHE: Yes!
MEGAN: My dad would always buy the limit, he would freeze them and we would eat them for the rest of the week
WES: There was a limit?
MEGAN: Ya 10, sometimes he would give me and my brother money and we would line up and buy 30
PHE: O...that's nice....
CARL: In college I went and got like ten and asked the lady to put them into a pyramid like the hamburlger
WES: Lets do it
( 15 minute laps for McDonalds Trip)
WES: Carl do you have a plate or a platter? Lets put the double double on the top!
CARL: (runs by, grabs the burger platter) ROBBLE ROBBLE!!!
PHE: Man we are so much fun right?

NEXT DAY

PHE: where's Krys?
NAT: She went out with Ashley
PHE: Someone is going to drunk dial us in...5, 4, 3, 2, 1
KRYS TEXT: Brook is a crazy beast
PHE: O this should be good


KRYS: I'm home, I got a hair cut
NAT: O wow...ya
PHE: that's fuuuuuuun
KRYS: I HATE YOU BOTH
PHE: No wait krys!!!!
NAT: Well its not our fault you came in and you had this face on you like you doo doo your pants
PHE: Come here let’s see it again
KRYS: I like the bangs..hmmmm
PHE: Straighten your hair it will look better
KRYS: (runs to the bathroom) I RUINED MY HAIR
PHE: let’s see what it looks like in a pony tail
(Whispers to nat) did she go out with Ash like that?
NAT: no she did it after...probably while she was drunk
KRYS: how does this look?
PHE: O WOW THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER!!! Right Nat?
NAT: YA! those bangs make you look sexy
KRYS: you bitches
PHE: no seriously its very slimming, it looks like you lost 10 pound
NAT: Krys your so pretty
PHE: like peppermint patty
KRYS: what did you say?
NAT: she said you look like Patty from Millionaire Matchmaker
PHE: that's not better...you just made it worse
KRYS: shreeeeek....ahhhh I ruined my hair
PHE: Krys say...LADIES MEET MY MILLIONAIRES!!!
KRYS: ladies meet my millionaires
NAT: ok try it again and say it without looking constipated
PHE ya be perky about it like patty!!!
KRYS: I'M NOT YOUR MONKEY
NAT: Ok but you look sexy
PHE: I love you...do you need a cuddle
KRYS: SHUT UP (bedroom door slams)
NAT: she seems really upset

PHE: You smell like a baby hooker
NAT: thank you!
KRYS: where are you going at this hour?
NAT: to a club, what do you think black heels or this uhh ummm well these things Phoebe calls shoes ?
PHE: Trust me wear mine, people dig those shoes
KRYS: You look like Phoebe and you smell like Lauren

NEXT TIME ON REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO...HO1, HO 2

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

3/20
Last night on the real world.

NAT: Leon sent me a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich again
KRYS: we should give him a new nick name
PHE: YA! I thought XL was kind of mean
NAT: you call him XL!?!
PHE I DIDN'T"T START IT!!! he emailed me about the sample sale and all I said was we didn't have XL
NAT: Let’s call him fromage
PHE: I want to call him CHEEEeeese
KRYS: I like Leon Seven Slices

PHE: Hey Brian is going to stop bye to pick up some shoes
NAT: k
KRYS: well I am going to bed before work

BRIAN: hey guys, these are kick ass shoe, very Vegas right?
NAT: I want to go to Vegas
BRIAN: So I was at home and I was like Lily, Phoebe is going to call if she calls answer it, she has my Vegas shoes
NAT: are you all packed?
BRIAN: No but I have everything folded and laid out on the coffee table...
NAT: are your toiletries in individual zip lock baggies?
BRIAN: NO!... well not yet, well like I was saying I was freaking out today because I couldn't find Phoebe and I was like SHE FORGOT THE SHOES I KNOW IT, MY OUTFIT IS RUINED
PHE: what are you wearing?
BRIAN: these pure white shoes, dark denim jean, white shirt and blue valor blazer
NAT: where are you staying?
BRIAN: The Bellagio...well 2 block behind the Bellagio at the Super8
PHE: You taking the Kia Reo?
BRAIN: Yep there and back on one tank of gas
NAT: try the buffet at Circus Circus, its like $5.99. There is a lot of Jell-O...and eggs
BRIAN: well if you guys want to come I have the number to the Super 8

Later that night (11:37pm)

KRSY: WAKE UP THE LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT
NAT: What!?!
KRYS: I heard Obama is in town this probably has something to do with him
PHE: Ya like a security breach, I hear they do that you know...its best to escape under the cloak of darkness
NAT: and he's black so I am sure that helps
KRYS: what should we do?
PHE: I say we make run for it?
NAT: our cars are trapped in the garage, the gate wont open
PHE: It best to escape on foot
KRYS: FLASHLIGHT, GET THE FLASHLIGHT!!!
NAT: I will light some candles
PHE: Look people are freaking out in the halls, ITS PITCH BLACK
PHE: I won’t feel better until the electricity is back on
KRYS: Well let’s sleep with our doors open... I WILL LEAVE THE GUN AND THE FLASHLIGHT ON THE COFFEE TABLE...NEUTRAL LOCATION
PHE: we have a gun
NAT: It’s a Beebee
PHE: (whispers) are you sacred?
NAT: yes (quivering)
5 minutes time laps...everyone in deep prayer, fearing the end of the world...LIGHTS BACK ON
KRYS, NAT, PHE: YEAHHHHH!!!,
PHE: Let’s cuddle!!! I'm so happy
KRYS: you'd like that wouldn't you, you fagot
NAT: I am going to turn everything on in the house because I can, who wants to blow dry there hair?
PHE: so Vegas this weekend?
NAT: Kia Reo!

Next week in the real world: VEGAS!!! And the reo

THE REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

3/6
NAT: I need to lose weight so I can fit into kids cloths
KRYS: What!?!?
PHE: No listen to this its a good idea
NAT: If I lose weight I will be able to fit into kids cloths which just so happen to be the perfect size for me
PHE: SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO FOLD HER SLEEVE OR PANTS UP...its genius if you really think about
NAT: Thank you

PHE: driving miss daisy is on
KRYS OHHHHH
NAT: Noooo
KRYS: Wait this is the best part

DAISY: holc your my best friend...
HOLC: o go on now miss daisy

KRYS: This is just a beautiful scene
NAT; Are you going to cry
PHE: She's gone soft, I would like to take some credit for this
KRYS: What the hell bitches I thought I told someone to put away the groceries
PHE: I SAID I WOULD...AND STOP CALLING US BITCHES
NAT: YA!!!
KRYS: FINE, I am going to bed

NAT: Do you hate that picture on the wall as much as I do
PHE: YES!
NAT: Lets throw it at Krystal, want to come watch ...tip toe to the door...
NAT: never mind I'm scared she is going to hit me
PHE: just throw it and run
NAT: I can't I'm scared
PHE: do it you nancy
KRYS: Who awakes me from my slumber?
PHE: ding dong ditch RUN!!!!
NAT: pretend like your asleep
KRYS: you bitches
PHE: WHAT DID I SAY

NEXT MORNING
NAT; want a biscuit?
KRYS: yes
NAT: here you go
KRYS: o my gosh did you cut these biscuit into shapes of hearts and doggies
NAT: yes
KRYS: why?
NAT: Cause I love you
PHE: that adorable I have to go, why don't you hug it out queers

via email

KRYS: Im kinda thinking I want a unicorn tattoo
NAT: sounds about right!
PHE: hmmm, well go big or go home, if you get a unicorn tattoo then you have to get a wizard in the background shooting off lighting with his magical waned, ditch Frasier and stick to highlander and zena the warrior princess and then go on a road trip where you hit up ever renaissance fair in the greater united states.
NAT: sounds like fun!!! go krys go.. all we need to do is think of a wizard name for her.. wait i think her middle name may do
KRYS: Shut your face Natalie before I shut it for you!!!
IZZY: I know Charles has a weird middle name so whatever his middle name is should be your wizard name.
KRYS: Subhi
IZZY: Subhi the wizard
PHE: touche izzy


NEXT TIME ON THE REAL WORLD: tattooooos

REAL WORLD SOUTH COAST METRO

2/26
Last Night on The Real World South Coast Metro

A 4 ft tall native american midget moves into the house

KRYS: so as a preventative measure we decided not to give you access to the building after 10pm, I just want to make sure you’re in by curfew
NAT: What?
KRYS: The gate closes at ten...so be home by the then and we won’t have any problem
PHE: It’s true when Charles is over she freaks out when it’s past 10...
PHE: She like "WHAT TIME IS IT" it sound like a shrieking eel
NAT: Well then hypothetically could I scale 3 stores to get in through the balcony, I mean in theory could I do that?
PHE: NO YOU JUNGLE MONKEY
CHARLES: That's what she says
NAT: So you’re saying hypothetically I couldn't do that tonight
KRYS: No you crazy beast
CHARLES: That's what she says
ring ring ring
PHE: Hey Megan ya come over
KRYS: Megan kind of looks like lady gaga
PHE: O no you didn't, she hates that...don't call her that when she gets here
NAT: Ok
KRYS: Ok
MEGAN: Hey everyone
KRYS & NAT: Whispering
PHE: Stop that I already feel left out
KRYS & NAT: just dance da da do da dooo, spin that record baby
MEGAN: da da do da dooo...wait
KRYS& NAT: ahhhhhhahahahahahahah
MEGAN: Stop it that girl looks like a tranny...whimpers and cries
CHARLES: That's what she says
PHE: Nice guys

PHE: Here Megan have an Oreo
KRYS: Phoebe don't!
PHE: The good cookies are at the bottom
KRYS: Last time you spilled out all the cookies from the jar you couldn't fit them all back in
PHE: Hey you must have crazy magic powers because there is no way all those cookies fit in there.
NAT: ahhh this is awesome I love being home...OK so I am going to go
KRYS: WHAT TIME IS IT!!!! (shreeeekkkk)

Next time Nat puts her theory to the test when she misses the 10 o'clock curfew.

ASSISTANT

I wish I wrote down everything my little desk buddy does every day. I am starting to lose stories. I am sure they will come back to me but if you remember me telling you a story about "Assistant" please remind me, so all the world can see what a daft idiot she is...

Assistant came in with her usual garb today. Some mix between grunge 90's and raver scenster socialite. Why would you tear up a perfectly good pair David Lerner $88 leggings? Anyways, a client came in and I was trying to locate someone for him. I know he was important because no one jokes around with him and he goes into meetings with our president. Assistant was sorting some mail for me and everything was going smoothly. I had talked to her about her professional demeanor when important people come in. Without provocation she shrilled in a horrible gargley cry (she always has "sinus" infections). Me and the client were startled, we looked at her searching for an explanation to her vociferous howl. She threw a magazine in front of the 2 of us and screamed, ewww ewww eww like she just got poo poo on her finger. She jumped up and down, pointing at the magazine and squealed...dildo! dildo!. We both looked at each other, then the magazine, which indecently was a sex toy magazine, and then back at each other. I calmly told her to throw it away and gave her the "shut your fucking mouth" eye. I apologized to our clients and proceeded to carry on completely mortified. I turned around to look at my now silent assistant. All she could say was, Oops, sorryyyyy!

No picture to explain this one folks...

My Try at Poetry...and being a scenster

Listening to Whisky Flats Bosque Brown
There is some music and it reminds me of Long Beach,
of smoking pot and ruined painting,
of sitting out on the balcony and watching the rain,
of my clean room and designer bathroom,
of my art studio and late nights,
of scensters and backyard concerts.
Funny little people with their thrift store cloths and facial hair.
Ripped panty hose and head bands.
Bright lip stick and sloppy hair.
Pabst and red room.
A sea of flannel in a brunette sky.
Friends, beautiful beautiful friends. That at this moment I miss and think fondly of.
I miss that artist side that you brought out of me.
I don’t miss the smelly bums and the angry metro people...or the ghetto birds.
I do miss walking and riding my bike completely drunk down 4th street.
I do miss the gays and how sweet they are with their leather chaps walking me home on a late night.
I miss the smell of yummy Thai food, walking to the liquor store for ice cream.
I miss the night before Christmas,
I miss hanging out at the house with Levi wrapping presents and cooking food and drawing.
I miss football Sundays,
and art Sundays
and mimosa Sundays
and anything Sundays in Long Beach.
I miss Marissa and Auggie and walks down the street.
I miss that java place we use to go to and talk for hours about the amazing thing we would do with our lives and girl we will.
I miss random encounters with ray ray at the iguana or que sera.
I miss running over to Megan and Mike’s for tivo or cloths or hugs.
I miss the cuddle session at Desi’s with Thomas and Tender Ben and Ray Ray.
I miss birthdays in long beach and the place we would go on foot, V room, then red room, maybe ferns, then the pike. O Ferns!
I don’t miss Ferns…
It smells like Chlamydia and I once got a party favor full of nick nacks and cat food…hmm.
I miss that we all lived so close to one another and we all loved each other and their was no drama.
We could play wii for hours and sit on a couch and laugh at Lynn because weed affects him so much.
We didn’t need money and we didn’t need a fancy place, we made good times, we made them with our bare hands.
I loved that time;
I loved it and hated it.
I got nothing done;
I was in my social mecha, very little sleep, lots booze and heaps of fun.

FRONT DESK STORIES

ME: Globe Dwindle how can I help you?

HICK: uh HU HU…uh ya I want to check on my order? See if it went threw, cause I got paid

ME: Ok are you with a retail location or a private consumer?

HICK: Retail…someone called me and they said there was a problem with my payment

CHILD: dad

HICK: I’M ON THE PHONE!!!! I’M ON THE PHONE!!!!!!!!! GAAAA

ME: Uh

HICK: Ya they called me and they said there is a problem with my payment but I got PAID

ME: Ok, do you know who called you?

HICK: NO!

ME: Ok, well then where’s your shop located?

CHILD: but dad

HICK: I. AM. ON. THE. PHONE. CAN”T YOU SEE THAT?!?!?! I’M ON THE PHONE

CHILD: I just

HICK: I WILL HIT YOU, I’LL SMACK YOU RIGHT UP SIDE THE HEAD

ME: WOW

HICK: he is so rude

ME: Nope, not him

HICK: uh ya, sorry about that

ERASERS

I don't know why he smells like erasers, he just does!!! I think its cause he's half elf and half human. Here is why I think that, one ear is a normal human ear and the other one has a very prevalent point to it. It's was deformed. Wait, elf’s don't exist. You know what it is? he's a clone. You ever see the ears they grow on the backs of mice, weird. He loves cheese, and he kind of walks funny. Like he'd rather be on all four sniffing the ground. O that's terrible. DON'T READ THAT! LOOK AWAY! I'm so dramatic. I think I am just associating him to an episode of MavGyver. So MacGyver finds the skeletal remains of a victim but they want to know what the victim looked like. So with a box of number 2 pencils and what appeared to be silly puddy he re-created the face. Here is what he did. He took an exacto knife and cut off the eraser tips then stuck those tips all over the skull. Then he molded the silly puddy all over the human head carcass to the exact depth of the eraser tips. He then painted eyes on some ping pongs, and where he got the wig I have no clue. Such a rascal that MacGyver. It was a perfect likeness. The silly puddy was a little shiny and red so it looked like a burned victim but other then that it was spot on. Consequently after this airing I cut off all the eraser tips on my pencils and my mother made me use those stupid eraser toppers.

PELVIC THRUST

I got humped like 2 and half times today.
0.5 This one guys hugs me to much, I try to appear really crept out when he does but he always come up behind me, grabs me by my wrist and hugs me from behind. Now I know 2 things are going on here, ahhh there is not much space back there once the hug takes place and second he is just squeezing my boobs together so he can look down my shirt.
1. This other guy came in to fix our alarm and he just hovered over me, looking at me really creepy like. I sat there pretending to be busy. Using my peripherals every couple of seconds to see if he was still looking at me. He was. Then he started asking me questions like, do you like working? Yaaaa, and the more I talked to him the more he fidgeted. It wasn’t a normal fidget, it was an awkward twitch cause it just look like he was pelvic thrusting my desk…IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS HUMPING MY DESK. So 2 things, he thought I was um…attractive? Or he thought my desk was attractive. Which is possible, I once heard of a girl falling in love with a carnival ride and she would some how have sex with it? sounds rusty.
2. So it’s this guys last day and he is on the phone with another guy telling him that he is sitting on my lap and I am giving him a “massage”. So the guy on the other line races to my desk on a skateboard to watch. I wasn’t giving him a massage!!! Just for shits and giggles he decides to grab me from behind and hump my chair.
Now that I think about it maybe guy 1 was sexually attracted to my desk, I have a pretty sexy set up here at the office.

ASSITANT

First of all I want to just put it out there. I am bad at blogging!!! I think it’s cause I’m bad at commitment and there for I am bad at blogging. I hear a lot of stories about lonely girls who blog and have no friends and I just don’t want to be viewed as a girl who takes advice or only has friends on the internet. That is just as creepy to me as a guy who talks to femals on the internet. Please note that!!! Also I am admitting to a lot because I had 3...or 4 beers at lunch. Did I mention I was (past tense) in a cult? Anyways! My assistant is out today, she had a migraine from the all the drugs she does...what a crack head!!! I was reminded a few days ago how I should blog about my fucked up crazy ass semi-retarded assistant. Just so you know she is so a socialite...her dad is the CEO to like everything in Hollywood. Anyways she is out today so I felt like this was great opportunity for me to let you know what a retard she is.

STORY 1:
Assistant came in with a really short skirt to today. I left my desk for a few moments only to come back and see a giant hole in her pantyhose which she intently reveled her a-hole and back vagina, NOT PROFESSIONAL!!! Not to sure if this would be the moment to talk her about work attire. Also her dreams of working in the fashion industry. Another thought, exactly what happened to puncture a hole in that area? Not that I don't snag my leggins here and there, I’m just saying never in that spot. And if I did I can afford another pair with out a ventilation hole in my no-no spot.

The Real World, South Coast Metro

Last Night on The Real World

News Release
3 people shot in separate attacks in South Coast Metro
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/police-colon-victim-2313035-street-santa
SOUTH COAST METRO – Police are investigating three separate shootings that left three people injured in less than 24 hours.

7:30PM
PHE: Hey lets go get frozen bananas at the ice cream parlor
CHARLIE: that's what she said
KRYS: Yes lets, I'm so happy I am going to do the unicorn dance, eeeehehehe
CHARLIE: That's what she said
PHE: Please stop

PHE: Can I have a chocolate cover banana with nuts
CHARLIE: That's what she said

Several police...sirens...helicopters

PHE: ITS THE SANTA ANA SHARP SHOOTER
CHARLIE: That’s what she said
PHE: Lets go home...I'm scared. also the stick is to small, I can't hold on to my banana
CHARLIE: That's what she said, boom!!!
KRYS: You know that's not why, it’s because you still have your baby teeth, your big people teeth haven't come in it
KRYS: That's why we call you baby tooth
PHE: Who calls me baby tooth?
KRYS: O that's what we call you behind your back...oops

MEANWHILE

Cops are investigation a shot out back window of a suburban just yard from our ice cream treats, one man was taken in for minor injuries but cops are speculating that this could be related to recent shootings that have ravaged this once peaceful neighborhood. CSI was on the scene (we saw the CSI van so this is so not a dramatization)

CHARLIE: I think I smell blood
PHE: what are you a hound dog?

PHE: Krystal what are you doing, WE CAN’T STAY STAGNATE...RUN THE RED!!!
KRYS: A moving target is hard to hit
CHARLIE: That's what she said

Next week on the real world

The house gets a new roommate: How will the house adapt to a 4 foot tall Native American midget. Toon in and watch.

THE REAL WORLD - SOUTH COAST METRO

KRYS: Remember that moldy towel that smelled bad
PHE: yes
KRYS: I cleaned it and it smells good now
PHE: I don't care
KRYS: YOU WHERE GOING TO THROW IT AWAY...but I got the smell out
PHE: so
KRYS: well I thought you where challenging me
PHE: I wasn't
KRYS: well I took it as a challenge
( 1 minute time laps)
KRYS: I WIN!!!
PHE: you’re weird

The Real World, South Coast Metro

Last night on the real world.

11:15PM
KRYS: (whimpering and weak) Phoebe help me
PHE: What’s wrong!
KRYS: I was going to the bathroom and I stepped on a piece of glass get it out
PHE: Uh Ok calm down, stay still
KRYS: O my god! DON’T TOUCH ME!!!
PHE: Ok well then do you want tweezers
KRYS: NO ARE YOU CRAZY...GET AWAY FROM ME
PHE: Ok then lets go to the ER
KRYS: its a stupid piece of glass, GET THE TWEEZERS
PHE: Ok just calm down, STOP CRYING
KRYS: O god I'm going to pass out
PHE: (points the flash light while Krystal pulls off the skin from the cut)
KRYS: O MY GOD IT WONT COME OUT ( crys and panics)
KRYS: O wait I think its out...o ya its out but it hurts and its bleeding ( a little embarrassed cause its more then likely that there was no glass in her foot)
PHE: cause you cut yourself you tard...your so overdramatic
KRYS: but its still bleeding
PHE: quit pinching it and put some pressure on it, here put this antibiotic on it
KRYS: FUCK YOU
PHE: PUT IT ON OR I WILL SNEAK IN DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND PUT IT ON MYSELF
KRYS: NOOOOOOOOO
PHE: See its not that bad
KRYS (sting sets in) O MY GOD ( almost passes out again)
PHE: Calm the fuck down and STOP CRYING
KRYS: I was just minding my own business, in a peaceful slumber then this happens...WHY GOD (crying)
PHE: fuck I'm going to bed, put this band aid on it
KRYS: wait...I was just scared cause I thought it wouldn't come out and I would have to go to the hospital. I was losing so much blood; it was touch and go for a second there.
(I have the towel with the blood on it; about 7 drops of blood stained the towel).
PHE: I don't give fuck, go to bed. STOP CRYING

Fabric Shackles

Cloths are just another tactic "The Man" has invited to pigeon hold us into a materialistic society were image and pOooossetions suck our bodies of it life force like leeches. If we were permitted to run naked in the streets I am sure I could retire by now with all the money I would have saved by not squandering my wealth on fashions.

CHILDHOOD

STORIES OF KRYS IN DRAMATIC SITUATIONS
PHE: Drops hot iron on her knee, and pills off about 3inch triangle of her skin
KRYS: AHAHAHAHAHA
PHE: Krystal can you go get mom?
KRYS look you can see the steam holes HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
PHE: limps away to seek medical attention for 3rd degree burns, you can still see the steam holes

OR

Rainy xmas night
KRYS: ... phe that bulb is out fix it
PHE: OK!!! (Tries to pull out wet broken light bulb) BUZZZZZZZZ (electrocuted and sent flying a few feet into the yard, phoebe lays twitching on the ground)
KRYS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Santa does excist!!!
PHE: Can you go get mom? (shakey rattled voice)
KRYS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was awesome, IZZY YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS!

MEN'S APPAREL

NAT: Leon sent me a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich again
KRYS: we should give him a new nick name
PHE: YA! I thought XL was kind of mean
NAT: you call him XL!?!
PHE I DIDN'T"T START IT!!! he emailed me about the sample sale and all I said was we didn't have XL
NAT: Let’s call him fromage
PHE: I want to call him CHEEEeeese
KRYS: I like Leon Seven Slices

PHE: Hey Brian is going to stop bye to pick up some shoes
NAT: k
KRYS: well I am going to bed before work

BRIAN: hey guys, these are kick ass shoe, very Vegas right?
NAT: I want to go to Vegas
BRIAN: So I was at home and I was like Lily, Phoebe is going to call if she calls answer it, she has my Vegas shoes
NAT: are you all packed?
BRIAN: No but I have everything folded and laid out on the coffee table...
NAT: are your toiletries in individual zip lock baggies?
BRIAN: NO!... well not yet, well like I was saying I was freaking out today because I couldn't find Phoebe and I was like SHE FORGOT THE SHOES I KNOW IT, MY OUTFIT IS RUINED
PHE: what are you wearing?
BRIAN: these pure white shoes, dark denim jean, white shirt and blue valor blazer
NAT: where are you staying?
BRIAN: The Bellagio...well 2 block behind the Bellagio at the Super8
PHE: You taking the Kia Reo?
BRAIN: Yep there and back on one tank of gas
NAT: try the buffet at Circus Circus, its like $5.99, there is alot of Jell-O...and eggs
BRIAN: well if you guys want to come I have the number to the Super 8

RANDOM EMAILS I SEND TO EMPLOYEES

GETTEN GOOSED PINCHED AT THE GOOSE

12:30PM

Come bid your final farewell to "Random Employee"!!!

Subway is walking distance away, Please bring your own Purell

BLOG

Aw man, I wish I had an important grown up blog. My 2 friends have blogs and it about important shit. Also I want a blog where I don’t use foul language, you know for the children readers. Do children read blogs? Or are they on the Dora Explora website? Anyways I read their blogs and it seems pretty cereal…they talk about stuff like mental health and…um, well I guess mental health. O shit, I mean shoot! Women are crazy. Do I sound crazy right now? No were not crazy we just like talking to ourselves and Lifetime. Really though, I am talking to myself, just cause I’m writing it on a blog doesn’t mean I am not actually at this moment talk to myself. Maybe you’ll read it later but right now I am talking to myself. I think this is why people start blogs so they don’t seem as crazy and we don’t have to go on meds. Wait if I say I’m crazy can I get meds?

Tennis on a Wednesday

Pooped Man, I’m pooped. I hate Melrose and Beverly Hills. LA and all its money. I mean I shouldn’t be embarrassed of my Old Navy jacket but when the sensor goes off and they ask me where I got my jacket, shame overrides all logic and all I want to do is run. I BOUGHT SOMETHING DIDN”T I?!? Fred Segal, that damn Ron Herman...I think this is where “they all” flock, those people they make reality show off of. I’ve been there a few times and spent way too much for a sandwich and walked around trying to be all uppity merely for acceptance and approval. BTW...It should come with the sandwich like a side of potato chip...seeing as I didn’t even get potato chip. They all have sweater sets and look like they are straight from a catalogue...very j crew. They kiss each other on the cheek because it’s a Wednesday and that’s a good day to play tennis and meet at Fred Segal’s for lunch. A few trendy women sit behind me talking about what they did last night (which was a Tuesday). “We all went to le duex….blah blah…” I wish I could stop listening. They kept going on about how one of them hooked up with a Wayne’s bro, “the one from major pain.” REALLY? Really? Your going sit here with you’re your ¼ eaten carb free sandwich (WHICH IS CALLED A SALAD DAMIT) pretty proud of yourself because you scored Major Pain; Because Major Pain bought you apple martins? I bet you when that girl wasn’t looking he asked for Ketel One instead of Greygoose. That guy hasn’t worked in years, please shut up. This is turning into an angsty girl blog. I am jealous of these pretty, perfect, size double zero people. Not cause their a double zero, or cause they got drunk off Ketel One and made out with Damon Wayne’s but because I am exhausted, I’m hungry cause I couldn't find the logic to spend an extra $5 for some fritos, I really do like the cloths at Ron Herman but can’t afford it, and I kind of want to play tennis on a Wednesday.

FRONT DESK STORIES

ME: Thank you for calling Globe Dwindle, how can I help you?
CALLER: Hi yes can I speak to Random Skater?
ME: O I’m sorry but he is just one of our riders he actually doesn’t have an extension here
CALLER: Ok well I need to get a hold of him cause I talked to my lawyer and everyone says we have a common law marriage and I really need to talk to him cause I need money and I lost my house and my art center and everything cause I don’t have any money and we have been in a common law marriage and like I said my lawyer agrees and I am on the street and thank god for my friend Deb cause she took me in and is letting me stay with her, I mean she is letting me sleep on her couch
ME: mmmm hmmm, ok well…
CALLER: I mean I have talked to a lot of people about this and everyone says that I have a common law marriage with him. God know I didn’t want it to be this way, you know sleeping on my friend Debs couch, don’t get me wrong she is an awesome friend and you know she has always taken care of me and its no trouble for her, she is such a cool girl and really I can stay there as long as I want, she told me so. Anyways this is not how I planned it, you know?
ME: mmm right, ok well…
CALLER: I wanted the white dress with the preacher in stuff but then I come home one day and showed my mom his picture and you know she is from the old times and she was just shocked cause here is the long haired skate and I am 34 (sounds like a 54 year old with emphysema) and you can imagine her shocking, she is older and stuff, so she disowned me (holding back tears)
ME: O so sorry to hear that, well…
CALLER: O it ok, anyways I have no one. It just hard cause I saw Random Skate in February of last year, we met up at Best Buy and it was great to see him and all but now I can’t get a hold of him and like I said I got kicked out of my apartment and I can’t do art any more cause they took my art studio too, but thank god for Deb right? So anyways I’ve talked to my lawyers and they said that I have a case I just have to get Random Skater down to Orange County because he has to be present.
ME: uh hu…
CALLER: I can’t do anything with out him. They said it’s true we have a common law marriage I just need him to come down her and tell them that. So who do I talk to? What should I do? I mean I can’t stay with Deb forever and a lot of people came to my studio because I am a great artist and all. Really people are depending on me you know? hahaha.
ME: ha…ha, um?
CALLER: but my lawyer he was saying that if I called his work and tried to get them to locate him then that might work…because you know all those pro skater they are so irresponsible and so hard to find. That whole skater world is just a lot of traveling and sometimes your cell phone doesn’t work, that’s probably why he hasn’t called, hu? Do you know if he is out of town or something? I think he just gone or something, like on a tour or something…that probably just it…ya I think that’s the problem
ME: Yaaaa…well let me get you name and number and I will get this to his team manager and they can contact him
CALLER: O MY GOSH, o my gosh that would be so great. I just need to see him, just for a few minutes. The OC is so expensive, cause I was at the Main Place Mall the other day and I couldn’t buy anything because you know I got kicked out my apartment and studio cause I can’t make rent but my lawyer said I have a case, I for sure have a case, so if you can just tell that to the team manager and have Random Skate contact me that would so amazing. You’re so nice, what’s your name? Thank you so much, I really appreciate this, you remind me of my friend Deb, where do you live?
ME: ha..ha, ok well let me just get you name and number and I will pass this message along
CALLER: O ok, my name is Kim……and….. (Long pause)
ME: Kim?
CALLER: yes
ME: What’s your last name?
CALLER: O, umm….Wilson…WILSON!
ME: Ok great, what’s your number?
CALLER: 714-123-4567
ME: Awesome, ok Kim, I will let the team manager know, have a nice night!
CALLER: great, thanks again, so yes just let the team manager know that I need Random Skater to come down and let them know that I was for sure in a common law marriage with him. My lawyer says I have a case…
ME: Ok, will do
CALLER: Ok, thanks again, have a happy holiday.
ME: You too, Bye….

Cause I want Elle Magazine to send me free shit!!!

My ducky lily told me I should do this and well a few other people too. Well I guess I am good writer. I think I just have a funny sense of humor and I'm able to use my words. Other then that I don't think I'm a good writer. I commonly make spelling and grammatical errors. I do think I have a great imagination and I think anyone can explain what's going on in their heads, they just have be brave enough to say it. I am really descriptive, I think that's why people like what I write. For instance, currently the new guy at my work smells like a Sanrio eraser. Its lovely and I would like to smell him all day but in some countries this is considered sexual harassment...our country being one of those countries. I tell you something right now, if we were in Thailand were those cute little kitty eraser are made it would be considered the highest complement. What if I approached the newbie and told him that I was not attracted to him physically just his sweet eraser sent. By the way it's not like I want Sanrio to come out with a eraser perfume that I would wear everyday; please don't be mistaken I don't want to smell like erasers. All I am saying is I like the smell because it reminds me of my childhood and being at Sanrio and thinking, I could live here. I think this is why I have always liked Asians. I just like the way they talk and their hair and even the way they eat. I'd like to eat like Asians, I think that would be fun. I've tried it a couple of times but I just don't look as graceful. I would love to just grab my fine ivory chopsticks and delicately pick up the perfect oval ball of sticky rice, then gently place my tiny little porcelain plate underneath the sticky rice and slowly elevate those complex carbohydrates to my mouth. Then deliberately and with much thought consume the rice with my lips ever so gently puckered. O those Asiains, they're great. Also I would like to be able to say, "I have brought dishonor to my family." I'm not being racist right now, am I?

Thank You For Reading
Please feel free to comment with grammatical and spelling errors.