ASSISTANT

On the way to work this morning I remembered a story about ASSISTANT. She is long gone now but we still talk about her and sometime use her name when someone does something stupid or slutty. i.e. "you did the Sacramento Turtle Neck on the first date!!! o you are such an "ASSISTANT" right now" Anyways so the other day I thought of a story, so here it is.

LYSOL
Co-worker came up to me today and noticed that I have been really using up a lot of the Lysol on my phone receiver. I didn't think anyone would notice but I in fact was using an excessive amount of Lysol on my phone and keyboard. I didn't really want to get into it because its not work appropriate but the night before I had seen an episode of the family guy. It's the one where Meg goes to church that caters to the youth. I am very familiar with these types of churches. At this church they promote abstinence...as most churches do. Now kids its true the safest sex is no sex but ah that means NO SEX!!! Like none...sounds a little to safe to me. Anyways, so Meg and her christian boyfriend find other ways to to ahh "express their desire for each other" The alternative...ear relations. Yikes Bikes!!! Subsequently I immediately thought of how me and ASSISTANT share the same phone. And how its always covered in a thin layer of her foundation, and how her grubby little hands are always all over my stuff and what a slut she is...and various other random germafob thoughts that rushed my brain and made me want squirt purel down my ear. So that why co-worker, that's why...

I thought this old AD for Lysol was a riot and kind of fitting to

love songs on the KOST

Look I am going to admit something embarrassing right now and you know what I don't care if you judge me. Judge me! no seriously you can judge me, no shame in my game. I listen to love songs on the KOST, I think Karen Sharp is amazing at getting losers to express their feelings on air and is a women of extreme discipline to remain serious and not laugh at her callers. There are 2 reason I love KOST. First of all they play all the best love songs, like Pebo Brison, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Inrique Eglasisa, Bonnie Tyler, I mean I can just keep going with all the amazing love song artist that cater to my aweful taste in music. Second, the crazy people that call in and dedicate songs. Now there are 2 types of people, callers who actually get to be on air or emailers who send in their love thoughts and Karen, with her sultry mom voice, would make those words come alive and reach out to the listeners. Speak Karen, i am listening. Some callers are fine but then you get ones where its like. This song goes out to Tod...Tod, Julie just wants you to know that she still love you and even though you said you never wanted to see her again she know its just because you have a fear of committiment. And even though you have a retraining order on her she is still going to hold out for your love, because no one else can love you the way she loves you and no one will. Karen reads that, and she is so straight face about, she always responds with something like; 'wow, Julie we hope everything works out for you and Tod and even though you have that retraining order right now we know love will find away.' Then she plays "i'll be watching you' or some creepy song to really solidify the craziness of the caller. The best though are the ones that get on air. Tonight was the most epic love thought I have ever heard. She didn't even dedicate a song, she was just balling.

KAREN: Hi caller, whats your love thought tonight?
CRAZY: um ya, I just want to dedicate this to my friend heather
KAREN: aww that so nice, what would you like to say to heather tonight?
CRAZY: I just want her to know that i love her and miss her and would really like to hugger her right now(imagine a 5 year wimpering child, you the type that kind of like hicup when the talk because the crying mixes with talking and makes the voice box hicup in a way, then toss in the sniffle here and there, getting a visual?)
KAREN: wow she sounds like a real special friend
CRAZY: ya she is, and she was there for me and i just want her to know that i am there for her and want to send her a hug
KAREN: is she your best friend
CRAZY: Yaaaaa, sniffle sniffle, (BALLING)
KAREN: o wow, sounds like your really miss her
CRAZY: YA! BALLING ( with small sperts of her not breathing and sucking in air and then balling again)
KAREN: O ok well what can we play for heather tonight?
CRAZY: I just want to hug her, i just want to be with her and hold her.
KAREN: ok well we are going play this song for heather and let her know you are sending her a hug
CRAZY: Thaaaaaanks

BOKKAKKE: It’s not just an Asian dish!

Working in the skate industry has taught me a lot! None of that information is useful, it’s mostly information that only whores need to know about. Its kind of sausage fest so to work in this industry you need a sense of humor. Now, I would never say this about myself because it would be conceded and I try to maintain a humble state of being but I’m pretty awesome. Although a lot of people call me and my sister homeschool...cause we were homeschooled...so it make sense, but also because we are not adept to the ways of the world. There are certain manners of subjects that we are not well versed on. Sure we could read and write at a college level by the time we where 9 but what 9 year old wants to talk about Catcher in the Rye?!?! Anyhow, let’s just say Google is something we all value and utilize quite frequently. What I am referring to folks is sexual positions. You know the sexual positions that have names like the Old King Clancy or the Alaskan pipeline or the Emeril Lagasse's. If I were a man I would so do the Emeril Lagasse...BAM!!! If you don’t know what those are Google it, I don’t want to offend the children readers. Well I learned a new one today. We went to sushi and I was glancing over the menu and wanted to try something new. Co-work suggest I try the bokkakke. Which they only offer cold but co-worker said bokkakkee is in fact a hot only item. At first I wasn’t sure what was going on. The men sat there giggling with delight at my ignorance. I knew then something was up. Also when ever a guy makes a reference to naughty things they get the same look on their face that the neighbor boy got when he would dare my bro to eat dog shit or something. Anyways back to me being awesome, the reason I am awesome is because I am so chill in these kinds of situations. At first I am little like “whaaaaat?” and then I am like I’m gunna google that shit on my iphone. I did. Pretty graphic. I did not order the bokkakkee.

THE BEGINNING

I have been stressed since noon, and there is nothing to be stressed about. I mean all I am doing is sitting her thinking about some near catastrophe and a looming fear that at any moment this adverted collision could track me down and crash right into me. So my body tenses up and my head is pounding and the adrenaline is pumping so I feel like I can run a small marathon. All this built up energy and I have nothing to do with it but store it up just in case I need it later. It could be the coffee, or that I drove recklessly in a car that wasn't mine and cost as much as modest home in Nashville. It could be that I haven't had a proper well balanced meal, or maybe that at any moment I can find out that I screwed it all up and all the while I am think, 'wow I am such a great employee'. O the disappointment of finding out your not as great as you think you are. It's like Santa Clause finding out he doesn't exist. My solution to this undo stress... a napkin holder. Thankfully a good Samaritan sitting in the cubical next to me has offered to throw the metal napkin holder at my head with immense force rendering me unconscious. It's good to have reliable and trustworthy co-workers.

LUNCH RUN

Some guy just tried to run me over with his automobile today. I am shocked at his actions, shame on you sir. So I went on a lunch run for my bosses and was walking to my car. I saw this truck heading my way and he slowed down, so I proceeded with caution, as any normal pedestrian would do. He clearly wasn’t slowing down for me, just the speed bump, dick. As soon as he cleared the speed bump his lead foot hit the gas and he raced to my fragile human body. I can only assume he was trying to beat me. HE DIDN’T!!!! He came to a screeching halt just inches from me. If my hand weren’t full of replenishment for the big boys I would have hit his car with my bare hand like they do in New York and scream, Ayyy, I’m walking here!!!! Instead I stopped right in front of his car flaring my arms in the air, screaming absentees and contemplating throwing the coffee order at him. I didn’t though, because then that would mean I would have to go all the way back to Starbucks and get more coffee. Can you believe he had the nerve to be frustrated with me? He was mad at me for being mad at him regarding the whole “I almost ran you over” incident. Not one ounce of remorse, nothing…just a look of ‘I’m in a hurry get out of my way.’ Well I don’t feel like walking now, I feel like having a picnic right here, or re-buckling my shoes…if I had laces I would re-tie them but I wore my green Volcom sandals with the buckle straps so I’ll do that instead, huh! And maybe I re-check the lunch order and make sure they gave me brown rice. Those fuckers always forget and then I get the heat for it later. I eventually moved and went to my car, and screamed curse words at him as he drove by. Had I more time I would have stalled but the bosses get cranky when they don’t have their coffee. Next time I will take the time to smear that spice chick breast bowl with brown rice all over his car. Maybe shove some oriental salad in his radiator. What a dick!!!!

PS: I think my bosses should know I risked life and limb for their lunch today....YOUR WELCOME!!!!