Guy and Me

Guy and Me
Guy: HI!
Me: Hello?
Dude: He just got really excited when he saw you
Me: Ok?
Guy: I told him
Me: What?!?!?!
Guy: Ya I told him…
Me: I specifically said not to tell anyone
Guy: I didn't here that, when did you say that?
Me: IT WAS THE FIRST THING I SAID. I said, don't tell anyone!!!
Guy: Nope…don't remember that
Dude: We are like one person, so if you tell him it’s like telling me anyways
Guy: I'm pretty good at keeping secrets
Me: Nope, it hasn't even been 5 minutes. Whatever, you both are not allowed to say anything
Guy: By the way I want bacon for my Birthday
Dude: Ya me too, you never do anything for my birthday
Guy: and you missed that other guy’s birthday the other day
Me: whatever no one cares about him
Dude: I hate birthdays
Guy: Just another step closer to death
Dude: When I turn 30 I'm just going to get a bunch of strippers
Guy: When I'm 30 I'll be a fucking dad (Mumbled)
Me: Wow, did you just say you where going to me fucking dead?
Guy: No, I said fucking dad but its pretty much the same thing. I just want a kid so I can coach him
Dude: I want a kid so I can dress him in kick as clothing…super preppy shit
Me: Awwww that's so cute you guys
Guy: Whatever, I'm not buying my kid cloths till he stops growing; I am just going to let him run naked
Dude: I am going to marry a hot chick and then leave this fucking place for the country where we’ll drink out of wells
Me: Wells? Why wells?
Dude: Cause that's what men do
Guy: I am going to name my kid Bartholomew

HB Shores

Julie: well if we aren't going to watch mrs doubtfire then I'm going to leave
Nat: no stay
Phe: ya there is a raffle at 10:30!
Nat: ya!!! Stay for the raffle
Phe: we are giving away slightly. used. nail. polish.
Julie: uh
Nat: tested..
Phe: we could watch a jlo movie? We never watch jlo movie
Julie: uh
Nat: omg the other night my tree almost fell over cause of the wind
Julie: yes, lets talk about the weather
Phe: so how about that mist?Right?!???
Nat: ugh I know
Julie: I can barely see out my window
Phe: I know? If I washed my car I would be pissed...
Julie: well...I should......
Phe: I can sing again?!?!

THE HB SHORES

Watching intervention
Phe: she's pretty for a druggie
Nat: what is that? Is that a bong?
Julie: she must be smoking crack
Nat: can you smoke crack?
Phe: Hu? I don't know, maybe she is smoking dope!
Julie: what's dope?
Nat: it's probably heroin or E
Phe: you can't smoke E!!! Or heroin, I think...
Julie: ya it's like saying you shoot lines of weed!
Nat: O YA! WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THESE TRACKS!!!!
Julie: easy now...
Phe: can you go to rehab for being a pot head, not that anyone in this room needs too (discreet head pointing toward nat)
Julie: my friend's parent found out he was growing and tried to send him to rehab
Phe: hahaha no way!
Nat: no way you can go to rehab for weed
Phe: we all know it not addictive
TV: my name is Karen and I am addicted to meth
All: Ooooooh
Nat: can we watch Heavy next?
Julie: sure
Nat: I wonder where they film this show
Julie: where not taking you...
Phe: hey nat, you should make us tea!!!
Nay: alright, woo (almost falls down trying to get up)
Julie: careful
Nat: ugh it's because I'm so fat gravity couldn’t keep my ass up
Phe: YOUR NOT FAT!!!
Julie: no she is, I'm surprised the floor didn't cave in
Phe: hahaha
Julie: you know she told me she wanted to gain 200 pounds so she can go on that show
Phe: you’re really dumb

SISTERS AND ME

SISTERS AND ME
KRYS: And I was like bro what the hell!!! So now I stop sending them stuff cause they tell their husbands everything.
ME: Well they are one now
NAT: Wait…you call your girlfriends bros?
KRYS: Ya…(unfazed)
ME: Bros?
KRYS: Ya, you guys. Don’t?
ME: No you’re weird…. wait were are you going?!?!?
KRYS: I am bypassing this construction
ME: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR GOING?!?!? This is a mistake, you shouldn’t have done this.
NAT: PHOEBE! CALM DOWN
ME: DON’T YELL AT ME!!!!
NAT: DON’T YELL YA HERE!!!
KRYS: I HAVE TO PEE!
ME: There is no time! You have to keep going you are the patriarch.
KRYS: Its matriarch you fuck…
NAT: What the cuse you guys, we have to keep our cool. We can’t lose it now
KRYS: Natalie were am I going?
NAT: I have no clue!
KRYS: Well recalculate your phone
NAT: I did, it says to make a u-turn
KRYS: WE ARE NOT DOING THAT!!!
NAT: Fine!
KRYS: So what do I do?
ME: If you keep going you’ll hit the 605 and then we can connect to the 210
KRYS: Is that the most direct way
ME and NAT: Nooooo!
NAT: make a u-turn!
KRYS: NO!
ME: Hey, turn this song up. It’s good.
ME and KRYS: My endless loveeeeeeee (Singing)
ME: Do you want to be the guy or the girl?
KRYS: Guy, duh
ME: Ya, you have a raspier voice…like Adele
KRYS: Thanks
ME and KRYS: Two hearts…two heart that beat as one, our life has just begun
(After a few seconds of holding out my hand KRYS reaches out and clasps it)
KRYS: And love, Oh love. I’ll be a fooooool for youuuuuu
ME: I’m suuuuure
KRYS: You know I don’t miiiiind
ME: Oooouuuuuhhh, YOU KNOW I DON”T MIIIIIIND
(Holding hands looking at each other)
NAT: Keep your eyes on the road! You guys are weird
ME: Love isn’t weird Natalie…it’s beautiful
KRYS: Pay not attention to her. NATALIE…what did I say about interruption when we are singing?!?!?!
ME: Did you see how I held out my hand and she took to it like a bird to its seed…that’s called trust
ME and KRYS: MY ENDLESSS LOOOOOOOVE
KRYS: Oh my exit!

DOLLY

My mother use to make us throw away our old toys, even if we loved them dearly. If they had rusted or were unpleasant looking it wasn’t long before it was in the trash. I don’t blame her, there were 6 of us. So you can imagine the volume of toys and stuffed animals that accumulated over time. It made no difference to her if GI Joe lost a leg in battle. By the way, you don’t just throw away a decorated soldier like that, who mind you won many battles against Barbie alien robots and ant hills. Anyways on my way to lunch one day with a co-worker I started to realize the vast number of people that still had childhood toys stored away in their homes. There precious toys where sealed in cellophane and bubble wrapped for safety. At first I was like, loser!!! Grow up. Then after awhile I noticed I was the minority so I didn’t say much and just listened in as every one talked about there small collection of my little ponies. I could feel the tear stuck in the back of my throat. Not because I threw away all those little ponies but because mother said my little ponies where the devil and if we had them in the house they would bring with them there devil powers and give me bad dreams. I did have some toys that I loved. My quince collection, this came out prior to in vitro fertilization and it was a set of quintuplet babies. I got the house, Mexican quinces and white quinces and little cloths and little furniture. I had it all, then one day we had to move in 3 days and I had to throw it away. I stared at those poor tiny little babies in the trash for hours, wondering if maybe some trash man would come along and drill wholes in there little heads to make key chains out of them. However nothing was as heart breaking as the day I had to throw away dolly. I loved her so much, I couldn’t love a human being more then I loved this doll…at that time. She had a plush body and oversized plastic head. There was a brown coating of paint on the top of her head and small brown curl in the center of her forehead. Mother got her for me cause I grew up with a head to large for my small frail body, it was suppose to make me secure in my underdeveloped body. It did, she was the only one that could relate to me. The other dolls could sit straight up and be fed our leftover pudding. Not dolly, o we tried but it resulted in many stains which in turn resulted in dolly losing her doll cloths and now stood bare with small spots of red and off white food stains on her plush body. She smelt like grilled cheese sandwiches and jello. It was a beautiful aroma. I tried my best to hide her stains, cleaned her off as often as possible. I saw the way mother looked at her. I would smile politely at mother as I took a baby whip to dolly’s large head. Then one day the unthinkable happened, my little sister got a hold of a sharpie marker and drew all over dolly’s head. I hyperventilate as I write this, breath breath...it was the single most devastating moment of my life; more then going to bed hungry or being kicked out of our home. The day dolly died was tragic. I remember it exactly. Mothered had been threatening for weeks that dolly had to go, I tried desperately to get the sharpie marker off her precious mammoth head, scrubbing and crying hoping my tears would be seen by God and he would turn them into the strongest astringent and would remove this wicked sharpie. I hid dolly on the top bunk, but it was so hard being away from her. Then one day, after months of hiding I took her outside. I don’t know why I did it, probably because I thought our love would keep her alive. There was tremendous fear that day, mother was at the market and I thought it would be safe but she came back for coupons and saw dolly. We argued for what seemed like hours but she was unrelenting, dolly would have to go in the trash. I don’t remember much regarding my rebuttal to her verdict, it was mostly tears. Had father been there he would have stop this madness and injustice. I stood in the trash closet for the rest of that day, taking in the fumes of day old leftovers and bad fruit. I watched dolly lay lifeless on top of the trash. I kept the lid open and sobbed terribly. I knew mother would only be gone for an hour and she would make me leave the closet and close the lid off the trash can. I heard the front door open and my mother scream for us to come help her with the groceries. I shut the lid and slowly stepped out of the closet. Weakened from grief I could only carry in one gallon of milk. I checked on dolly the rest of the day and watched as trash pilled on top her, it was unbearable. I miss her right now…I am also experiencing strong feelings of dislike toward my mother right now too…I want her back MOM!!!

FLUSH

When I was little I was deathly afraid of public toilets. The industrial strength of the flush terrified me. For some reason I always envisioned being sucked into this cyclone of feces. I was just a little girl and I knew that my giant head would not fit down that small funnel but then again if the force was strong enough it could crush my skull and the rest of my small framed body would flush down like six small squares of 1 ply toilet paper. As a child I was very aware of my disproportioned body. It was me against gravity and gravity always won. So according to my calculations if I stood to close to the toilet the spiraling reclaimed water would create an intense kinetic energy that would pull my large head straight into the eye of the storm. I neither had the balance nor the arm length to reach the lever of doom; so I would have to inevitable put myself in harm’s way. I didn’t really have to worry about this for awhile because my mother would hold me whilst I did my business and then I would immediately retreat behind her as she took the brunt of the force, I gripped her leg and whimpered. Eventually my mother had many more children and I was left to potty on my own at the wee tender age of 3. Well here I am again, 30 and troubled by the toilet. I’m not afraid because after much research I know now that I cannot be sucked into the toilets. Here is the thing, we have these automated toilets at work and they are super sensitive. For awhile there I was like perhaps the sensor does not recognize me as a physical being, maybe all that yoga has created a force around me that has put me in a state of complete enlightenment that I am no longer recognized by technology. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but I was doing a lot bikram at that time. After that ridiculousness I realized it had to do with my posture. I intend to sharpie this on the bathroom stalls.
STEP 1: Clean the toilet from the previous occupiers back splash
STEP 2: Place protective covering
STEP 3: Sit with your back straight, vertebra by vertebra, like someone is pulling up from middle of your head by a string
STEP 4: Do your business
STEP 5: Full extension of the arms toward the toilet paper dispenser while keeping the core engaged and the back straight
WARING: releasing this posture will activate the sensor and a burst of dirty water will coming flying towards your delicates, which is nothing like a bidet…
STEP 6: Using your core, lock your legs and flex your thigh muscles; with a quick motion LIFT YOURSELF FROM THE SEAT and quickly scoot to the side and back.
STEP 7: lavas los manos

Guy and Me

Guy: What are you wearing on your face?!?!?
Me: They are called glasses
Guy: ya but why? are they real?
Me: of course they are real!
Guy: so your blind?
Me: No! I have an astigmatism?
Guy: wow, I don't need to know about that kind of stuff
Me: My eyes are shaped weird you ass!!!
Guy: Ya, sounds more like you have eye aids
Me: THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY!!!!!
Guy: scratches his mustache on the corner of my desk
Me: Please leave, but before you do what are you doing for lunch?

A few hours passes..

Guy: Hey Secretary!
Me: Excuse me!!! How dare you?!?!?
Dude: Ya! She is not a secretary
Me: I don't answer phones and I don't get coffee
Guy: Wow...lets take it easy
Me: lets not!!!
Dude: She is an executive assistant!!!
Me: That's right, thanks dude
Guy: I am just saying you look like a secretary with your new spectacles
Me: That's worse!!!
Guy: Your being very loud right now
Me: Your being very douchie right now
Dude: Did he just tell you to lower your voice?
Me: Yes! I am sorry but I project when I have been insulted
Guy: I am not insulting you I just think you look like a secretary, BUT A COOL ONE! Like you look like a librarian with a bad side
Me and Bystanders: (look of shock)
Guy: what? (look of clueless and dumb)
Me: I have this pamphlet I want your to take a look at it. It's called sexual harassment hurts everyone...(discretely slide pamphlet across the table whilst eyeballing him with disdain)
Girl: well I like them
Guy: I LIKE THEM TOO! You look good in them I was just saying that you look...
Me: Just stop right there! Guy, its not all about my looks
Guy: Jeez
Me: These glasses make me smarter and I feel like people take me more seriously...
Guy: Nope