MEN'S APPAREL

NAT: Leon sent me a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich again
KRYS: we should give him a new nick name
PHE: YA! I thought XL was kind of mean
NAT: you call him XL!?!
PHE I DIDN'T"T START IT!!! he emailed me about the sample sale and all I said was we didn't have XL
NAT: Let’s call him fromage
PHE: I want to call him CHEEEeeese
KRYS: I like Leon Seven Slices

PHE: Hey Brian is going to stop bye to pick up some shoes
NAT: k
KRYS: well I am going to bed before work

BRIAN: hey guys, these are kick ass shoe, very Vegas right?
NAT: I want to go to Vegas
BRIAN: So I was at home and I was like Lily, Phoebe is going to call if she calls answer it, she has my Vegas shoes
NAT: are you all packed?
BRIAN: No but I have everything folded and laid out on the coffee table...
NAT: are your toiletries in individual zip lock baggies?
BRIAN: NO!... well not yet, well like I was saying I was freaking out today because I couldn't find Phoebe and I was like SHE FORGOT THE SHOES I KNOW IT, MY OUTFIT IS RUINED
PHE: what are you wearing?
BRIAN: these pure white shoes, dark denim jean, white shirt and blue valor blazer
NAT: where are you staying?
BRIAN: The Bellagio...well 2 block behind the Bellagio at the Super8
PHE: You taking the Kia Reo?
BRAIN: Yep there and back on one tank of gas
NAT: try the buffet at Circus Circus, its like $5.99, there is alot of Jell-O...and eggs
BRIAN: well if you guys want to come I have the number to the Super 8

RANDOM EMAILS I SEND TO EMPLOYEES

GETTEN GOOSED PINCHED AT THE GOOSE

12:30PM

Come bid your final farewell to "Random Employee"!!!

Subway is walking distance away, Please bring your own Purell

BLOG

Aw man, I wish I had an important grown up blog. My 2 friends have blogs and it about important shit. Also I want a blog where I don’t use foul language, you know for the children readers. Do children read blogs? Or are they on the Dora Explora website? Anyways I read their blogs and it seems pretty cereal…they talk about stuff like mental health and…um, well I guess mental health. O shit, I mean shoot! Women are crazy. Do I sound crazy right now? No were not crazy we just like talking to ourselves and Lifetime. Really though, I am talking to myself, just cause I’m writing it on a blog doesn’t mean I am not actually at this moment talk to myself. Maybe you’ll read it later but right now I am talking to myself. I think this is why people start blogs so they don’t seem as crazy and we don’t have to go on meds. Wait if I say I’m crazy can I get meds?

Tennis on a Wednesday

Pooped Man, I’m pooped. I hate Melrose and Beverly Hills. LA and all its money. I mean I shouldn’t be embarrassed of my Old Navy jacket but when the sensor goes off and they ask me where I got my jacket, shame overrides all logic and all I want to do is run. I BOUGHT SOMETHING DIDN”T I?!? Fred Segal, that damn Ron Herman...I think this is where “they all” flock, those people they make reality show off of. I’ve been there a few times and spent way too much for a sandwich and walked around trying to be all uppity merely for acceptance and approval. BTW...It should come with the sandwich like a side of potato chip...seeing as I didn’t even get potato chip. They all have sweater sets and look like they are straight from a catalogue...very j crew. They kiss each other on the cheek because it’s a Wednesday and that’s a good day to play tennis and meet at Fred Segal’s for lunch. A few trendy women sit behind me talking about what they did last night (which was a Tuesday). “We all went to le duex….blah blah…” I wish I could stop listening. They kept going on about how one of them hooked up with a Wayne’s bro, “the one from major pain.” REALLY? Really? Your going sit here with you’re your ¼ eaten carb free sandwich (WHICH IS CALLED A SALAD DAMIT) pretty proud of yourself because you scored Major Pain; Because Major Pain bought you apple martins? I bet you when that girl wasn’t looking he asked for Ketel One instead of Greygoose. That guy hasn’t worked in years, please shut up. This is turning into an angsty girl blog. I am jealous of these pretty, perfect, size double zero people. Not cause their a double zero, or cause they got drunk off Ketel One and made out with Damon Wayne’s but because I am exhausted, I’m hungry cause I couldn't find the logic to spend an extra $5 for some fritos, I really do like the cloths at Ron Herman but can’t afford it, and I kind of want to play tennis on a Wednesday.

FRONT DESK STORIES

ME: Thank you for calling Globe Dwindle, how can I help you?
CALLER: Hi yes can I speak to Random Skater?
ME: O I’m sorry but he is just one of our riders he actually doesn’t have an extension here
CALLER: Ok well I need to get a hold of him cause I talked to my lawyer and everyone says we have a common law marriage and I really need to talk to him cause I need money and I lost my house and my art center and everything cause I don’t have any money and we have been in a common law marriage and like I said my lawyer agrees and I am on the street and thank god for my friend Deb cause she took me in and is letting me stay with her, I mean she is letting me sleep on her couch
ME: mmmm hmmm, ok well…
CALLER: I mean I have talked to a lot of people about this and everyone says that I have a common law marriage with him. God know I didn’t want it to be this way, you know sleeping on my friend Debs couch, don’t get me wrong she is an awesome friend and you know she has always taken care of me and its no trouble for her, she is such a cool girl and really I can stay there as long as I want, she told me so. Anyways this is not how I planned it, you know?
ME: mmm right, ok well…
CALLER: I wanted the white dress with the preacher in stuff but then I come home one day and showed my mom his picture and you know she is from the old times and she was just shocked cause here is the long haired skate and I am 34 (sounds like a 54 year old with emphysema) and you can imagine her shocking, she is older and stuff, so she disowned me (holding back tears)
ME: O so sorry to hear that, well…
CALLER: O it ok, anyways I have no one. It just hard cause I saw Random Skate in February of last year, we met up at Best Buy and it was great to see him and all but now I can’t get a hold of him and like I said I got kicked out of my apartment and I can’t do art any more cause they took my art studio too, but thank god for Deb right? So anyways I’ve talked to my lawyers and they said that I have a case I just have to get Random Skater down to Orange County because he has to be present.
ME: uh hu…
CALLER: I can’t do anything with out him. They said it’s true we have a common law marriage I just need him to come down her and tell them that. So who do I talk to? What should I do? I mean I can’t stay with Deb forever and a lot of people came to my studio because I am a great artist and all. Really people are depending on me you know? hahaha.
ME: ha…ha, um?
CALLER: but my lawyer he was saying that if I called his work and tried to get them to locate him then that might work…because you know all those pro skater they are so irresponsible and so hard to find. That whole skater world is just a lot of traveling and sometimes your cell phone doesn’t work, that’s probably why he hasn’t called, hu? Do you know if he is out of town or something? I think he just gone or something, like on a tour or something…that probably just it…ya I think that’s the problem
ME: Yaaaa…well let me get you name and number and I will get this to his team manager and they can contact him
CALLER: O MY GOSH, o my gosh that would be so great. I just need to see him, just for a few minutes. The OC is so expensive, cause I was at the Main Place Mall the other day and I couldn’t buy anything because you know I got kicked out my apartment and studio cause I can’t make rent but my lawyer said I have a case, I for sure have a case, so if you can just tell that to the team manager and have Random Skate contact me that would so amazing. You’re so nice, what’s your name? Thank you so much, I really appreciate this, you remind me of my friend Deb, where do you live?
ME: ha..ha, ok well let me just get you name and number and I will pass this message along
CALLER: O ok, my name is Kim……and….. (Long pause)
ME: Kim?
CALLER: yes
ME: What’s your last name?
CALLER: O, umm….Wilson…WILSON!
ME: Ok great, what’s your number?
CALLER: 714-123-4567
ME: Awesome, ok Kim, I will let the team manager know, have a nice night!
CALLER: great, thanks again, so yes just let the team manager know that I need Random Skater to come down and let them know that I was for sure in a common law marriage with him. My lawyer says I have a case…
ME: Ok, will do
CALLER: Ok, thanks again, have a happy holiday.
ME: You too, Bye….

Cause I want Elle Magazine to send me free shit!!!

My ducky lily told me I should do this and well a few other people too. Well I guess I am good writer. I think I just have a funny sense of humor and I'm able to use my words. Other then that I don't think I'm a good writer. I commonly make spelling and grammatical errors. I do think I have a great imagination and I think anyone can explain what's going on in their heads, they just have be brave enough to say it. I am really descriptive, I think that's why people like what I write. For instance, currently the new guy at my work smells like a Sanrio eraser. Its lovely and I would like to smell him all day but in some countries this is considered sexual harassment...our country being one of those countries. I tell you something right now, if we were in Thailand were those cute little kitty eraser are made it would be considered the highest complement. What if I approached the newbie and told him that I was not attracted to him physically just his sweet eraser sent. By the way it's not like I want Sanrio to come out with a eraser perfume that I would wear everyday; please don't be mistaken I don't want to smell like erasers. All I am saying is I like the smell because it reminds me of my childhood and being at Sanrio and thinking, I could live here. I think this is why I have always liked Asians. I just like the way they talk and their hair and even the way they eat. I'd like to eat like Asians, I think that would be fun. I've tried it a couple of times but I just don't look as graceful. I would love to just grab my fine ivory chopsticks and delicately pick up the perfect oval ball of sticky rice, then gently place my tiny little porcelain plate underneath the sticky rice and slowly elevate those complex carbohydrates to my mouth. Then deliberately and with much thought consume the rice with my lips ever so gently puckered. O those Asiains, they're great. Also I would like to be able to say, "I have brought dishonor to my family." I'm not being racist right now, am I?

Thank You For Reading
Please feel free to comment with grammatical and spelling errors.