FLUSH

When I was little I was deathly afraid of public toilets. The industrial strength of the flush terrified me. For some reason I always envisioned being sucked into this cyclone of feces. I was just a little girl and I knew that my giant head would not fit down that small funnel but then again if the force was strong enough it could crush my skull and the rest of my small framed body would flush down like six small squares of 1 ply toilet paper. As a child I was very aware of my disproportioned body. It was me against gravity and gravity always won. So according to my calculations if I stood to close to the toilet the spiraling reclaimed water would create an intense kinetic energy that would pull my large head straight into the eye of the storm. I neither had the balance nor the arm length to reach the lever of doom; so I would have to inevitable put myself in harm’s way. I didn’t really have to worry about this for awhile because my mother would hold me whilst I did my business and then I would immediately retreat behind her as she took the brunt of the force, I gripped her leg and whimpered. Eventually my mother had many more children and I was left to potty on my own at the wee tender age of 3. Well here I am again, 30 and troubled by the toilet. I’m not afraid because after much research I know now that I cannot be sucked into the toilets. Here is the thing, we have these automated toilets at work and they are super sensitive. For awhile there I was like perhaps the sensor does not recognize me as a physical being, maybe all that yoga has created a force around me that has put me in a state of complete enlightenment that I am no longer recognized by technology. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but I was doing a lot bikram at that time. After that ridiculousness I realized it had to do with my posture. I intend to sharpie this on the bathroom stalls.
STEP 1: Clean the toilet from the previous occupiers back splash
STEP 2: Place protective covering
STEP 3: Sit with your back straight, vertebra by vertebra, like someone is pulling up from middle of your head by a string
STEP 4: Do your business
STEP 5: Full extension of the arms toward the toilet paper dispenser while keeping the core engaged and the back straight
WARING: releasing this posture will activate the sensor and a burst of dirty water will coming flying towards your delicates, which is nothing like a bidet…
STEP 6: Using your core, lock your legs and flex your thigh muscles; with a quick motion LIFT YOURSELF FROM THE SEAT and quickly scoot to the side and back.
STEP 7: lavas los manos